ANG KWAGO TAO

May isang itim na bulakbol, ang sa puno’y nananahan. Marahil araw-araw mong tutunghayan ang bawat nasa niyang makahagilap ng laman.
Nanlilisik na mga mata.
Nakakarimarim na pagkatao.
Bagsakan ng kasalanan.

Bawat dugong nananalaytay sa kanyang pagkahayop ay may nasang patunguhan. Mula sa mga bagwis na sing-tapang ng isang barko sa gitna ng delubyo hanggang sa mga kukong sing-tulis ng dila ni Miriam Santiago.
Nakamamatay.
Nakaririmarim.
Makapanindig-balahibo.

Takip-silim nanaman at magsisipasyalan ang mga ligaw na kaluluwa. Di pa rin matinag ang pustura ng animal.
Nag-aabang.
Nagmamasid.
Nagdarasal.

Gabi na. Ang liwanag ng buwan ang siyang sumasalamin sa hilakbot ang kanyang anino. Nagpapatunay ng kanyang kisig sa nasang makuha ang tropeo ng kanyang mundo.
Nangungusap sa hangin.
Nagtitiis.
Nangagarap.

Araw, ulap, buwan at mga tala, patuloy na saksi ng katapatan sa sarili. Bagsik man ang ipakita, ang puso ay lumalambot din. Ilang dekada man ang lumipas, taghoy ay lilipas din. Sapagkat ang kwago, maitim man ang budhi, naghahanap pa rin ng mamahalin.
Ang magpapagising sa natutulog niyang animo.
Ang apoy na magpapaalab.
Ang buhay na bubuhay.

Sa mga taong tumutunghay at dumadaan ng takot.
Kung humusga ay walang kapantay.
Nabubulok na utak, umaalingasaw sa bibig.
Mapanira.
Nakalalason.
Nakapanghihinayang....

Masahol pa kayo sa kwago!

Poltergeist (part 1)

I have a gift. But it is a gift that I would like to return.

I was about 9 when I knew something strange could be happening around me. I was sleeping in my room with Jay, my cousin. It was dark but a faint light coming from the moon traverses the window and accentuates our old furnishings. I woke up feeling cold and perturbed for no apparent reason. Without opening my eyes, I tried to feel for my blanket. I couldn’t pull it enough so I stood up. To my surprise, something was on top of the blanket. It was an old man’s head! I couldn’t believe it! I lied back and started shivering in terror. I couldn’t even move or say a word to wake up my cousin. I literally froze! I prayed… and prayed…and prayed… till it was gone.

I never told anyone. Nobody would believe me anyway.

A year later, I had my summer vacation at my aunt’s place. On the first night, I shared the room with my cousin Annie. The walls were white as snow, covered by thick draperies embellished with white laces falling gracefully from the ceiling to the parquet floor, typical for a big house. As soon as the lights were turned off, the darkness engulfed everything into oblivion. I couldn’t even see my cousin lying right next to me. Come midnight, I was awaken by a familiar feeling. I was cold again, restless. I felt a bizarre sensation coming from the back of my neck, to my shoulders crawling slowly to my fingertips and down to my feet. Every shaft of hair in my body stood up like a proud soldier. Right this time, my head felt like swelling, stretching every inch of my scalp, tensing both of my ears. I swear I felt something or someone cold caressed my ears! I couldn’t move or shout enough to wake up my cousin. Tears of defeat gently rolled down my eyes as I prayed over and over again, until I fell asleep. The next morning, I told my cousins about it. Nothing like that has ever happened to them and eventually, they convinced me that it was just a nightmare. But was it an ominous sign for me that a bigger scare is about to happen? I didn’t know.

On the second night with Annie, I was really paranoid. I couldn’t sleep because it was too dark again, so I left the lights on purposely. I was observing intently every corner of the room, every shudder of the curtains and every sound the plastics made each time the electric fan hit them. Unknowingly, I fell into a deep slumber. While everything turned seemingly normal, this is a night I will never forget…

To be continued…..
****

gray begins to rule!

I am not gay.

I am just a victim of the showbiz industry. I am just being fooled about their lustrous personalities. All shiny and glittery, maybe that’s why they are called stars after all.
They have beautiful pore-less and flawless skins, their bodies are like towers of perfection, lean and muscular. I am just a bit vain and that is because of them.

I am not gay.

In fact, I do have many sports. Growing up, I became a varsity of volleyball, badminton and swimming. I even hired a personal trainer for tennis. I did rock-climbing and rappelling back in college. I love being active, go to gym and work-out. It boosts my masculinity.

I am not gay.

I am just a bit artistic. I was a born painter. I can design and make things interesting and appealing to the eye. I dance, act and sing, but all these, I do in a manly way.

That’s why I am far from being a gay.

I know everything about man-stuff, from sports, to cars, to girls, to bands, to bars. I courted two girls in high school and had a girlfriend in college. Who, in the sane mind, would think otherwise?

But I am not happy. I feel concealed a lot of times. I cannot convey my emotions the same way normal people do. Some consider me boring, silent, and uninspiring, mostly, dry and flat. And then I realized that growing up as a child has made me disregard who I really am. I lost my own authenticity. All the while I thought I was customary. Turned out, I was just holding back a lot of me by trying hard to be masculine enough in order to conform to a society where it’s either black or white only.

Now I think I'm bordering the shades of gray. And my family has no idea. This is my first and official coming out. After 23 years, I hope it’s not too late to rediscover myself, grow from it and finally embrace and love the real me. i hope this leads me to something better.... *sigh*